The Last Supper
After the long holiday, I was again where I was. Alone and confused. I was thinking again about my life and how it goes. Everything was meaningless, fake and copy of each other. Only one thing was giving me hope. Emma.
It was really weird experience with her. It was only 5 days together but it was as we have known each other for years and we spent thousand years together. I hadn’t realize it until holiday ended. There was a big gap in my life. I had been feeling that I didn’t have any memories, experiences or life before this holiday. I have been feeling as if I had no friends, no relatives, no people at all in my life but only Emma. This was very weird feeling. Our paths were so different than each other and we have dealt on staying as a dream and good memory for each other but this memory was occupying all my mind. Whatever I do, it is impossible to get over it. She was stuck in my mind, my dreams and my life.
Hope is what keeps us alive but this hope was killing me. It had been already days and I was still feeling empty.
After couple of days, I had decided to change go out finally. I was thinking that some sun light, people around would motivate me a bit and let me catch the moment and reality.
This really helped for a moment. I assigned some places and some corners for her so that I was thinking her only on those spots. I started working again, I was back to my routine with the same fake faces, superficial relationships, exactly the same days over and over again.
It had been already 5 months since holiday and I was successful to bury her to my mind. All those memorial places had gone and my life was normal without her ghost in my mind.
My life was also much better. I had better standards, better job, better friends and better mood.
One day I was out of work again and felt something weird. Some voice was calling me but I couldn’t recognize. Some feeling inside leaded me to go to the restaurant on the other side of the city that I had never been before. I heard about it a lot but this time I felt that it is the time to visit there. After 30 minutes, I was there without any doubt but I also had no idea what to do there. I went inside. It wasn’t crowded so I could find a good spot with nice view of the city and sky. I ordered my favorite whiskey and enjoyed the moment. Everything was interestingly amazing except the voices in my head. They never stopped until some moment. At that moment, I saw a face on the corner. I wasn’t sure but she looked like Emma. After 10 minutes of decision period, I went there and it was her. Emma was smiling on my face. I didn’t know what to say and preferred to keep silence and wait for her word. She was the same. This awkward silence lasted few minutes and then I invited her to my table.
We were together finally and hope turned into reality. This reunion supposed to make us feel happy and relaxed but it didn’t. We talked about our holiday, feelings, desires and everything. Every word was making it weirder. Every word was pushing us away. There was a wall between us that we cannot overcome.
We were very similar in every aspect. Maybe that was the problem. We were very close but also this closeness was like a magnet. It was pushing us away. I was also angry with her because I had forgotten her after a long painful period. It was the worst thing that she appeared suddenly. She kept silence. We both did everything to forget each other. Many things had been done until that moment. New friends, new job, new environment… Everything was brand new just because we wanted to forget each other. Therefore, it was very painful to see her.
Her face was beating me down. Her existence was torturing me. She was telling me how selfish I am, how I fail everything, how my desires doesn’t match reality, how I cannot be objective to myself, how I am far from myself. Everything I did was fail. On that table, she were hitting me non-stop. I was fake. I was an another man that I always tried to be. I was devastated.
After some time she stopped talking. I was hardly breathing. She was looking at my eyes and said last words. ‘Whatever you do, you cannot escape ‘.
I said I didn’t escape. It was just a dream and hope that ruins my life. I had to forget her. I had to live my life. I had to change everything to feel good. She insisted on the idea of escaping and was telling that she were looking for me all the time. I didn’t believe this but kept talking. We talked about everything about life, ourselves, desires, dreams, experiences, memories, childhood. Everything possible in few hours. It was already midnight. Emma left for restroom but I had a feeling that she will never come back. Meanwhile, I called the waitress and asked for the bill. When the bill had come, I had another shock. The list of my orders like a big joke. According to bill, I had eaten myself, people around me, my life, my family and I drank the time. It must have been a joke that made me angry. Suddenly, my heart beat increased, my hands were shaking and my body was very warm. It was even surprising for me why I got so angry for such a joke but I couldn’t stop. It was hard to breath and even I was starting to lose my vision.
After some time waitress came. I was still in shock and my head was down. She asked me if I am ok. No, I wasn’t ok but I didn’t need any taxi or ambulance. I should have just paid and go. This joke was not funny at all. Finally, Emma was back and I found that power to lift my head. I opened my eyes and looked her eyes. Everything had suddenly changed. I was on the floor and looking at the mirror on the top. Instead of waitress, some stranger were taking me out of the hotel room for hospital.